I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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