Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Randomize
