me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
