When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
