Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
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