to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
