I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
