someone threw a dead crab at me
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
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