He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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