I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
