well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
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