Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Randomize
