I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Also, beer. Big fan.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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