I want to have your abortion
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
Randomize
