Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
wow bdsm is so cute
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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