I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
