Your face is a jimmy john
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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