saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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