Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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