When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
