I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
