Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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