Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
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