we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize