just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
