I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
