I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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