i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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