I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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