He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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