I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
