At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Randomize
