The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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