He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
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