Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I love you. Go after that dick
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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