**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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