I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Randomize
