Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Randomize
