I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
