I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Randomize
