I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
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