yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
