Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
