i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
