Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Randomize
