And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
