we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
