Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
