you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
