im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
And then the night went full on bisexual.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
