in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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