The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
