im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
