I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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