all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize