Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
