we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Randomize
