you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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