I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Randomize
