Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
