Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
