he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Randomize
