I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
