Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
