If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
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